[etc/quotes.git] / .quotes / quotes

# vim:tw=70
%
this product is under strict quality contril with perfect packing and
quality when leving the factory.please keep away from damp.high
temperature or sun expose.If found any detectives when purchasing.
please return the productby airmail to our administration section and
inform the time, place.and store of this purchase for our
improvement.We shall give you a satisfactory reply.Thanks for your
patronage and welcome your comments.
                                             -- http://www.engrish.com
%
"life moves pretty fast. if you don't stop and look around once in
 a while, you could miss it."
                                                     -- ferris bueller
%
"it has been said about the EPO that if you fart in front of their
 building, you are granted a patent on 'gas tank depressurizing by
 opening a venting pipe.'"
                                        -- gyrosgeier on #debian-devel
%
drink canada dry! you might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying.
%
"emacs sucks, literally, not an insult, just a comment that it's
 large enough to have a noticeable gravitational pull..."
                                           -- mercury on #debian-devel
%
if you find a spelling mistake in the above, you get to keep it.
%
beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
%
"the duration of passion is proportionate
 with the original resistance of the woman."
                                                   -- honoré de balzac
%
"das internet wurde konzipiert, um einem atomschlag standzuhalten.
 leider hatte kein militärstratege mit der deutschen telekom
 gerechnet..."
                                                      -- attila radnai 
%
"next the statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting the blame upon the
 nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those
 conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and
 refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by
 convince himself that the war is just, and will thank god for the
 better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque
 self-deception." 
                                                         -- mark twain
%
in seattle, washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.
%
when everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
%
"the question of whether computers can think
 is like the question of whether submarines can swim."
                                                 -- edsgar w. dijkstra
%
the early bird may get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
%
on the other hand, you have different fingers.
%
remember, half the people are below average.
%
i feel like i'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
%
plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
%
fitter, healthier, more productive
like a pig, in a cage, on antibiotics
                                                          -- radiohead
%
"you know you're a hopeless geek when you misspell 'date' as 'data'"
                                                   -- branden robinson
%
"if a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
 and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
 and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
 then the socket packet pocket has an error to report."
                                                      -- <speedstream>
%
"i like .net for the same reason i like gentoo. it keeps all the
 people with no clue from writing c code, which is much harder for me
 to identify and eliminate from my systems. in the same way that
 gentoo gives those people a place to be that isn't in debian"
                                                    -- andrew suffield
%
"all i know is that i'm being sued for unfair business 
 practices by micro$oft. hello pot? it's kettle on line two."
                                                  -- michael robertson
%
"if you are going to run a rinky-dink distro made by a couple of
 volunteers, why not run a rinky-dink distro made by a lot of
 volunteers?"
                                                    -- jaldhar h. vyas
%
/.ing an issue is like asking an infinite number of monkeys for advice
                                                   -- in #debian-devel
%
SUSE: Soll Unix Sein, Eigentlich.
%
if you are walking on thin ice, you might as well dance!
%
to err is human - to moo, bovine
%
during the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a fair
wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; and fly your
colours proudly!
%
"i might disagree with what you have to say,
 but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."
                                                           -- voltaire
%
         EARTH
      smog | bricks
 AIR  --  mud  -- FIRE
soda water | tequila
         WATER
%
"to me, vi is zen. to use vi is to practice zen. every command is
 a koan. profound to the user, unintelligible to the uninitiated.
 you discover truth everytime you use it."
                                       -- reddy ät lion.austin.ibm.com
%
"distrust all those who love you extremely
 upon a very slight acquaintance and without any visible reason."
                                                  -- lord chesterfield
%
"the only difference between the saint and the sinner
 is that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
god is real, unless declared integer.
                                          (dedicated to gabriel gómez)
%
women can keep a secret just as well as men,
but it takes more of them to do it.
%
"common sense is the collection of prejudices
 acquired by age eighteen."
                                                    -- albert einstein
%
"what's your conceptual continuity? --
 well, it should be easy to see:
 the crux of the bisquit is the apopstrophe!"
                                                        -- frank zappa
%
http://lavender.cime.net/~ricky/badgers.txt
%
warning at the gates of bill:
abandon hope, all ye who press <enter> here...
%
"even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day."
                                                            -- orbital
%
"i worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
                                                       -- groucho marx
%
"how do you feel about women's rights?"
"i like either side of them."
                                                       -- groucho marx
%
"they that can give up essential liberty
 to obtain a little temporary safety
 deserve neither liberty nor safety."
                                                  -- benjamin franklin
%
dies ist eine manuell generierte email. sie beinhaltet
tippfehler und ist auch ohne großbuchstaben gültig.
%
if it's there, and you can see it, it's real.
if it's not there, and you can see it, it's virtual.
if it's there, and you can't see it, it's transparent.
if it's not there, and you can't see it, you erased it.
%
mulutlitithtrhreeaadededd s siigngnatatuurere
%
"eine schlechte sache erregt, eine gute verträgt viel kritik."
                                                    -- charles tschopp
%
"zwei monologe, die sich gegenseitig
 immer und immer wieder störend unterbrechen,
 nennt man eine diskussion."
                                                    -- charles tschopp
%
"man kann die menschen nur von ihren eigenen meinungen überzeugen."
                                                    -- charles tschopp
%
"now, bring me that horizon."
                                               -- captain jack sparrow
%
"no survivors? then where do the stories come from I wonder?"
                                               -- captain jack sparrow
%
bush/cheney '04: the last vote you'll ever have to cast.
%
DISCLAIMER: this entire message is privileged communication, intended
for the sole use of its recipients only. If you read it even though
you know you aren't supposed to, you're a poopy-head.
%
"if you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost;
 that is where they should be. now put the foundations under them."
                                                -- henry david thoreau
%
"the difference between genius and stupidity
 is that genius has it's limits."
                                                    -- albert einstein
%
"reife des mannes, das ist es,
 den ernst wiedergefunden zu haben, den
 man hatte als kind beim spiel."
                                                -- friedrich nietzsche
%
"america may be unique in being a country which has leapt
 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization."
                                                        -- john o'hara
%
"administration for windows networks is similar to maintaining a 12
 year old gm truck. brand new, w2k+3 already has 190k miles of wear."
                                                 -- jeremiah cornelius
%
Most Intelligent Customers Realise Our Software Only Fools Them.
%
"getting a scsi chain working is perfectly simple if you remember that
 there must be exactly three terminations: one on one end of the
 cable, one on the far end, and the goat, terminated over the scsi
 chain with a silver-handled knife whilst burning *black* candles."
                                                     -- anthony deboer
%
"the worst part of being old is remembering when you was young."
                                -- alvin straight (the straight story)
%
"a warm bed in a house sounds a mite better
 than eating a hot dog on a stick
 with an old geezer traveling on a lawn mower."
                                -- alvin straight (the straight story)
%
"women, when they are not in love,
 have all the cold blood of an experienced attorney."
                                                   -- honoré de balzac
%
"although occasionally there is something to be said for solitude."
                                          -- special agent dale cooper
%
"sometimes the urge to do bad is nearly overpowering"
                                                          -- ben horne
%
"one should never allow one's mind
 and one's foot to wander at the same time."
                                -- edward perkins (yes, the librarian)
%
gates' law: every 18 months, the speed of software halves.
%
"being shot is not as bad as i always thought it might be.
 as long as you can keep the fear from your mind."
                                          -- special agent dale cooper
%
"arguments are extremely vulgar,
 for everyone in good society
 holds exactly the same opinion."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"twenty-four hour room-service must be one of the
 premiere achievements of modern civilization."
                                          -- special agent dale cooper
%
logik ist analsadismus: gedanken werden gewaltsam
durch einen engen gang gepreßt.
                                                    -- frei nach lacan
%
"if ever somethin' don't feel right to you, remember what pancho said
 to the cisco kid...  `let's win, before we are dancing at the end of
 a rope, without music.'"
                                                             -- sailor
%
"stab it and steer"
                                                             -- sailor
%
windoze is the one-night-stand of operating systems;
you feel so cheap after having used it.
%
"wer schmetterlinge lachen hört,
 der weiss wie wolken schmecken."
                                  -- freiherr friedrich von hardenberg
%
one has to multiply thoughts to the point
where there aren't enough policemen to control them.
                                               -- stanislaw jerzey lec
%
until lions have their historians,
tales of the hunt shall always glorify the hunter.
                                                    -- african proverb
%
darwinism is nothing without enough dead bodies.
%
do micro$oft's total cost of operation calculations
include total cost of downtime?
%
"montag, why do you burn books?"
"it's a job like any other, pay is good and there is a lot of variety."
                                                -- ray bradbury (f451)
%
"the wonderful thing about standards is
 that there are so many to choose from."
                                                       -- grace hopper
%
"politics is the entertainment branch of industry."
                                                        -- frank zappa
%
"m.c.s.e": minesweeper consultant & solitaire expert
%
"sometimes we sit and read other people's interpretations of our
 lyrics and think, 'hey, that's pretty good.' if we liked it, we would
 keep our mouths shut and just accept the credit as if it was what we
 meant all along."
                                                        -- john lennon
%
"never try to explain computers to a layman.
 it's easier to explain sex to a virgin."
                                                    -- robert heinlein
 
(note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
%
"a fundamentalist is someone who hates sin more than he loves virtue."
                                                     -- john h. schaar
%
"it is the customary fate of new truths
 to begin as heresies and to end as superstitions.
                                                      -- thomas huxley
%
"however jewel-like the good will may be in its own right, there is
 a morally significant difference between rescuing someone from
 a burning building and dropping him from a twelfth-storey window
 while trying to rescue him."
                                                       -- thomas nagel
%
i'm currently out trying to find myself.
if i should get back before i return,
please keep me here.
%
"life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
                                                        -- john lennon
%
(on the statement print "42 monkeys"+"1 snake") btw,
both perl and python get this wrong.
perl gives 43 and python gives "42 monkeys1 snake",
when the answer is clearly "41 monkeys and 1 fat snake".
                                                         -- jim fulton
%
"anyone who is capable of getting themselves made president
 should on no account be allowed to do the job"
                                                      -- douglas adams
%
i've not lost my mind. it's backed up on tape somewhere.
%
"if one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again,
 there is no use in reading it at all."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
all information contained in the above is false,
for reasons of military security.
%
"i must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini."
                                                 -- alexander woolcott
%
you can't assign IP address 127.0.0.1 to the loopback adapter,
because it is a reserved address for loopback devices.
                                  -- micro$oft windoze xp professional
%
"i love deadlines. i like the whooshing
 sound they make as they fly by."
                                                      -- douglas adams
%
normaliser unix c'est comme pasteuriser le camembert.
%
"science without religion is lame,
 religion without science is blind."
                                                    -- albert einstein
%
there are only 10 types of people in the world:
those who understand binary and those who don't.
%
why didn't noah swat those two mosquitoes?
%
why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
%
if con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
%
"sobald man über niveau spricht
 ist man längst darüber hinweg."
                                                      -- thomas krafft
%
will kill for oil!
%
"heuristic is computer science jargon for 'doesn't actually work.'"
                                                     -- charlie reiman
%
if voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
                                         -- revolution books, new york
%
fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
                                     -- the irish times, washington dc
%
"der glaube an den kausalnexus ist der aberglaube"
                                                       -- wittgenstein
%
"... alle sätze der logik sagen aber dasselbe. nämlich nichts."
                                                       -- wittgenstein
%
"... (ethik und ästhetik sind eins.)"
                                                       -- wittgenstein
%
"wovon man nicht sprechen kann, darüber muß man schweigen."
                                                       -- wittgenstein
%
in the beginning was the word,
and the word was content-type: text/plain
%
"it is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
                                                           -- voltaire
%
"when in doubt, parenthesize. at the very least it will let some
 poor schmuck bounce on the % key in vi."
                                                         -- larry wall
%
infinite loop: see 'loop, infinite'.
loop, infinite: see 'infinite loop'.
%
"the only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"the 'volatile' keyword
 is implemented syntactically
 but not semantically"
                          -- documentation of m$ visual c, around 1992
%
security at micro$oft: how do we secure a billion dollar profit?
%
seen on an advertising for an elaborate swiss men's watch:
  "almost as complicated as a woman. except it's on time"
%
"i doubt larry wall ever uses strict."
                                                   -- frederick heckel
%
micro$oft: "you've got questions? we've got dancing paperclips."
%
micro$oft could shit in a box, and most people would buy it.
%
eleventh law of acoustics:
  in a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
  frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
  are all merely transforms of one another. this combined with
  minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
  compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
  lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. however,
  of course, this all means jack when you listen to pink floyd.
%
it is ok to let your mind go blank,
but please turn off the sound.
%
"our destiny exercises its influence over us even when, as yet,
 we have not learned its nature; it is our future that lays down the
 law of our today."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"when zarathustra was alone... he said to his heart: 'could it be
 possible! this old saint in the forest hath not yet heard of it, that
 god is dead!'"
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"without music, life would be a mistake."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"the thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one
 gets successfully through many a bad night."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does
 not become a monster. and when you look into an abyss, the abyss also
 looks into you."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"we are like shop windows in which we are continually arranging,
 concealing or illuminating the supposed qualities other ascribe to us
 -- in order to deceive ourselves."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
the english take english for granted.
but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly.
%
#include <signature.h>
%
<!--#include file="~/.signature"-->
%
<span tal:replace="here/signature" />
%
use RFC822::Signature;
%
"a scientist once wrote that all truth passes through three stages:
 first it is ridiculed, then violently opposed and eventually,
 accepted as self-evident."
                                                       -- schopenhauer
%
"president thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of
 the vote. in a democracy, that's not called quitting."
                                                -- the washington post
%
"not the truth in whose possession any man is, or thinks he is, but
 the honest effort he has made to find out the truth, is what
 constitutes the worth of man."
                                                   -- gotthold lessing
%
"if confronted with a choice between all the truth in god's right hand
 and the ever live struggle for truth, coupled with eternal error, in
 god's left, i would choose the left."
                                                   -- gotthold lessing
%
"lessing was a heretics' heretic" 
                                                    -- walter kaufmann
%
before he died, rabbi zusya said: "in the world to come they will not
ask me, 'why were you not moses?' they will ask me, 'why were you not
zusya?'"
%
"alles sollte so einfach, wie möglich gemacht sein,
 aber nicht einfacher."
                                                    -- albert einstein
%
"ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp,
 or what's a heaven for?"
                                                    -- robert browning
%
"if you can dream it, you can do it"
                                                        -- walt disney
%
"the unexamined life is not worth living" 
                                                             -- platon
%
bill gates, 1984: "640 k ought to be enough"
bill gates, 1995: "the internet is not a primary goal for pc usage"
bill gates, 1999: "linux has no impact on microsoft's strategy"
bill gates, 2004: "we promise to solve the spam problem in two years"
%
officer, arrest that man! he's whistling a copyrighted song.
%
"the truth is rarely pure and never simple. modern life would be very
 tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete
 impossibility!"
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"all women become like their mothers. that is their tragedy. no man
 does. that's his."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"if i am occasionally a little overdressed, i make up for it by being
 always immensely over-educated."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"i never travel without my diary. one should always have something
 sensational to read on the train."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"i never go without my dinner. no one ever does, except vegetarians
 and people like that."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"in all unimportant matters, style, not sincerity, is the essential.
 in all important matters, style, not sincerity, is the essential."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of
 physical weakness in the old."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"i am not in favour of long engagements. they give people the
 opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, 
 which i think is never advisable."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"i dislike arguments of any kind. they are always vulgar, and often
 convincing."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"i can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. there
 is something unfair about its use. it is hitting below the
 intellect."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"i like wagner's music better than anybody's. it is so loud that one
 can talk the whole time without other people hearing what one says."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"most people become bankrupt through having invested too heavily in
 the prose of life. to have ruined one's self over poetry is an
 honour."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"a cigarette is the perfect type of pleasure.
 it is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"never trust a woman who wears mauve, whatever her age may be, or a
 woman over thirty-five who is fond of pink ribbons. it always means
 they have a history."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"moderation is a fatal thing. enough is as bad as a meal. more than
 enough is as good as a feast."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"i hate vulgar realism in literature. the man who could call a spade
 a spade should be compelled to use one. it is the only thing he is
 fit for."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"one should never do anything that
 one cannot talk about after dinner."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"if a man treats life artistically, his brain is his heart."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"to get back my youth i would do anything in the world, except take
 exercise, get up early, or be respectable."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
stupidity management for the superuser
is a user space issue in unix systems.
                                                           -- alan cox
%
a: no.
q: should i include quotations after my reply?
%
windows 2000: designed for the internet.
the internet: designed for unix.
%
$complex->{'data'}[$structures][$in_perl] = @{$can{'be'}->[$painful]};
%
weapon, n.:
  an index of the lack of development of a culture.
%
"glaube heißt nicht wissen wollen, was wahr ist."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"ist gott eine erfindung des teufels?"
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"nicht durch zorn, sondern durch lachen tötet man."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"moral zu predigen ist ebenso leicht
 als moral zu begründen schwer ist."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"durch frauen werden die höhepunkte des lebens bereichert
 und die tiefpunkte vermehrt."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"alle menschen zerfallen, wie zu allen zeiten so auch jetzt noch, in
 sklaven und freie; denn wer von seinem tag nicht zwei drittel für
 sich hat, ist ein sklave, er sei übrigens wer er wolle: staatsmann,
 kaufmann, beamter, gelehrter."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"aus der kriegsschule des lebens -
 was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich härter."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"geld ist das brecheisen der macht."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"die menschen drängen sich zum lichte, nicht um besser zu sehen,
 sondern um besser zu glänzen."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"man soll nicht in kirchen gehn, wenn man reine luft atmen will."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"solange man nicht die moral des christentums
 als kapitalverbrechen am leben empfindet,
 haben dessen verteidiger gutes spiel."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"da haben wir es also: eine kirchliche ordnung mit priesterschaft,
 theologie, kultus, sakrament;
 kurz, alles das, was jesus von nazareth bekämpft hatte..."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"zum christentum wird man nicht geboren,
 man muß dazu nur krank genug sein."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"gott ist tot! und wir haben ihn getötet."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"licht wird alles, was ich fasse"
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"wahnsinn bei individuen ist selten,
 aber in gruppen, nationen und epochen die regel."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"die zeit für kleine politik ist vorbei.
 schon das nächste jahrhundert
 bringt den kampf um die erdherrschaft."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"der beruf ist eine schutzwehr, hinter welche man sich erlaubterweise
 zurückziehen kann, wenn bedenken und sorgen allgemeiner art einen
 anfallen."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"den stil verbessern, das heißt den gedanken verbessern."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"alle vorurteile kommen aus den eingeweiden."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"auch der mutigste von uns hat nur selten den mut zu dem,
 was er eigentlich weiß."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"was aus liebe getan wird,
 geschieht immer jenseits von gut und böse."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"wer ein warum hat, dem ist kein wie zu schwer."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"menschen, welche rasch feuer fangen,
 werden schnell kalt und sind daher im ganzen unzuverlässig."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"es ist immer etwas wahnsinn in der liebe.
 es ist aber auch immer etwas vernunft im wahnsinn."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"die philosophie ist eine art rache an der wirklichkeit."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"der besitz der wahrheit ist nicht schrecklich,
 sondern langweilig, wie jeder besitz."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"man sagt nicht 'nichts!', man sagt dafür 'jenseits' oder 'gott'."
                                                 - friedrich nietzsche
%
"the vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."  
                                                      - george w. bush 
%
"i have made good judgments in the past.
 i have made good judgments in the future." 
                                                      - george w. bush 
%
"we have a firm commitment to nato, we are a part of nato.
 we have a firm commitment to europe. we are a part of europe." 
                                                      - george w. bush 
%
"we are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." 
                                                      - george w. bush 
%
"for nasa, space is still a high priority." 
                                                      - george w. bush 
%
"quite frankly, teachers are the only profession
 that teach our children." 
                                                      - george w. bush 
%
"it isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
 it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." 
                                                          - dan quayle
%
"it's time for the human race to enter the solar system." 
                                                      - george w. bush
%
"africa is a nation..."
                                                      - george w. bush
%
"all unser übel kommt daher,
 daß wir nicht allein sein können."
                                                       -- schopenhauer
%
"we are trapped in the belly of this horrible machine,
 and the machine is bleeding to death."
                                        -- godspeed you black emperor!
%
love your enemies; they'll go crazy
trying to figure out what you're up to.
%
"violence is the last refuge of the incompetent"
                                                       -- isaac asimov
%
the irony is that bill gates claims to be making a stable operating
system and linus torvalds claims to be trying to take over the world.
%
the security, stability and reliability of a computer system
is reciprocally proportional to
the amount of vacuity between the ears of the admin.
%
"a man who does not realise
 that he is half an animal
 is only half a man."
                                                    -- thornton wilder
%
who's general failure, and why's he reading my disk?
%
"be the change you want to see in the world"
                                                     -- mahatma gandhi
%
micro$oft windoze is like an air-conditioner:
it breaks down if you open a window.
%
"never underestimate the bandwidth of
 a station wagon full of tapes careening down the highway."
                                                -- andrew s. tanenbaum
%
"all language designers are arrogant. goes with the territory..."
                                                         -- larry wall
%
the best way to accelerate
a computer running windoze
is at 9.81 ms^-2
%
"i have smoked pot. it is a stupid business, like masturbation."
                                                     -- thomas pynchon
%
"every day is long. 86400 doesn't fit in a short."
%
"computer science is no more about computers
 than astronomy is about telescopes."
                                                 -- edsgar w. dijkstra
%
"we all know linux is great...
 it does infinite loops in 5 seconds."
                                                     -- linus torvalds
%
a qui sait comprendre, peu de mots suffisent.
                                                 -- intelligenti pauca
%
the reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream
is because it is so shallow.
%
government announcement - the government announced today that it is
changing its mascot to a condom because it more clearly reflects the
government's political stance. a condom stands up to inflation, halts
production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks
and finally, gives you a sense of security while you're being screwed!
%
there are lies, statistics, and benchmarks.
%
seminars, n.:
  from "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
%
the only secure micro$oft software is
what's still shrink-wrapped in the warehouse.
%
unix, because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
%
perl -e 'print "The earth is a disk!\n" if ( "a" == "b" );'
                                                   (dedicated to nori)
%
perl -e 'print "The earth is a disk!\n" if ( "earth" == "flat" );'
%
whatever you do will be insignificant,
but it is very important that you do it.
                                                     -- mahatma gandhi
%
i welcome your constructive criticism and corrections.
%
"if they can get you asking the wrong questions,
 they don't have to worry about answers."
                                                     -- thomas pynchon
%
"out of the crooked timber of humanity,
 no straight thing was ever made."
                                                       -- imanuel kant
%
"it is impossible to foresee the consequences of being clever."
                                                -- cristopher strachey
%
... and don't get caught in the .NET!
%
for years, we have thought that a million monkeys typing at a million 
typewriters would eventually produce the complete works of shakespeare.
today, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.
%
work like you don't need the money
love like you have never been hurt
dance like there's nobody watching
%
a friend is someone with whom
you can dare to be yourself
%
beware of bugs in the above code;
i have only proved it correct, not tried it.
                                                    -- donald e. knuth
%
i must confess, I was born at a very early age.
                                                       -- groucho marx
%
military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
                                                       -- groucho marx
%
time wounds all heels.
                                                       -- groucho marx
%
it is better to have loft and lost
than to never have loft at all.
                                                       -- groucho marx
%
a woman is an occasional pleasure
but a cigar is always a smoke.
                                                       -- groucho marx
%
one morning i shot an elephant in my pyjamas.
how he got into my pyjamas i'll never know.
                                                       -- groucho marx
%
what do you mean, it's not packaged in debian?
%
"self-denial is the shining sore
 on the leprous body of christianity."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age.
 it looks so calculating."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"the well-bred contradict other people.
 the wise contradict themselves."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"a man's very highest moment is, i have no doubt at all, when he
 kneels in the dust, and beats his breast, and tells all the sins of
 his life."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"alas, i am dying beyond my means."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"crying is the refuge of plain women but the ruin of pretty ones."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"she is absolutely inadmissible into society. many a woman has a past,
 but I am told that she has at least a dozen, and that they all fit."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time
 to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"the public is wonderfully tolerant.
 it forgives everything except genius."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"frank harris has been received
 in all the great houses -- once!"
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"i sometimes think that god
 in creating man
 somewhat overestimated his ability."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"the husbands of very beautiful women
 belong to the criminal classes."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"imagination is a quality given a man
 to compensate him for what he is not,
 and a sense of humour was provided
 to console him for what he is."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love:
 it is the faithless who know love's tragedies."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"the intellect is not a serious thing, and never has been.
 it is an instrument on which one plays, that is all."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"a kiss may ruin a human life."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"the mind of the thoroughly well-informed man is a dreadful thing.
 it is like a bric-à-brac shop, all monsters and dust,
 with everything priced above its proper value."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"the liar at any rate recognises that recreation, not instruction, is
 the aim of conversation, and is a far more civilised being than the
 blockhead who loudly expresses his disbelief in a story which is told
 simply for the amusement of the company."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"literature always anticipates life.
 it does not copy it, but moulds it to its purpose.
 the nineteenth century, as we know it,
 is largely an invention of balzac."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"when a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
 when a man marries again it is because he adored his first wife.
 women try their luck; men risk theirs."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"my experience is that as soon as people are old enough to know better,
 they don't know anything at all."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"women love us for our defects.
 if we have enough of them,
 they will forgive us everything,
 even our gigantic intellects."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"it is only the modern that ever becomes old-fashioned." 
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"of course the music is a great difficulty.
 you see, if one plays good music, people don't listen,
 and if one plays bad music people don't talk."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"no work of art ever puts forward views.
 views belong to people
 who are not artists."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"the condition of perfection is idleness.
 the aim of perfection is youth."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"the sick do not ask
 if the hand that smoothes their pillow is pure,
 nor the dying care
 if the lips that touch their brow have known the kiss of sin."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"men always want to be a woman's first love.
 women have a more subtle instinct:
 what they like is to be a man's last romance."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"nothing can cure the soul but the senses,
 just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"never speak disrespectfully of society.
 only people who can't get into it do that."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"to have the reputation of possessing the most perfect social tact,
 talk to every woman as if you loved her,
 and to every man as if he bored you."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"one should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
 if she tells that, she will tell anything."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"vulgarity is simply the conduct of other people."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"wickedness is a myth
 invented by good people
 to account for the curious attraction of others."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"the strength of women comes from the fact
 that psychology cannot explain us.
 men can be analyzed, women merely adored."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"i've got a bike,
 you can ride it if you like,
 it's got a basket. a bell that rings, and things to make it look good.
 i'd give it to you if i could,
 but i borrowed it."
                                                  -- syd barrett, 1967
%
this space intentionally left blank.
%
this space intentionally left occupied.
%
micro$oft windoze - the best solitaire game you can buy.
%
last year, out in california, at a pc users group, there was a demo of
smart speech recognition software. before the demonstrator could begin
his demo, a voice called out from the audience: "format c, return.
yes, return." a short demo it was.
%
*** important disclaimer:
by sending an email to any address, that will eventually cause it to
end up in my inbox without much interaction, you are agreeing that:
 
  - i am by definition, "the intended recipient"
  - all information in the email is mine to do with as i see fit and
    make such financial profit, political mileage, or good joke as it
    lends itself to. in particular, i may quote it on usenet.
  - i may take the contents as representing the views of your company.
  - this overrides any disclaimer or statement of confidentiality that
    may be included on your message.
%
my other computer is your windows box.
%
echo '9,J8HD,fDGG8B@?:536FC5=8@I;C5?@H5B0D@5GBIELD54DL>@8L?:5GDEJ8LDG1' |\
  sed ss,s50EBsg | tr 0-M 'p.wBt SgiIlxmLhan:o,erDsduv/cyP'
%
micro$oft encrypts your windows nt password when stored on a windows
ce device. but if you look carefully at their encryption algorithm,
they simply xor the password with "susageP", Pegasus spelled
backwards. Pegasus is the code name of windows ce. this is so pathetic
it's staggering.
%
"an intellectual is someone who has found
 something more interesting than sex."
                                                      -- edgar wallace
%
after you install windows xp, you have the option to create user
accounts. if you create user accounts, by default, they will have an
account type of administrator with no password. way to go!
%
the remote desktop feature of windows xp is really nice (and
*novel*!). a micro$oft consultant can *remotely* disable the personal
firewall and control the system. we'll ignore the fact that this
tampering with the firewall is not logged, and more importantly, that
the firewall isn't restored when the clowns from redmond are done with
their job.
%
"oh what a tangled web we weave,
 when first we practice to deceive.
 but my how we improve the score,
 as we practice more and more."
                                                   -- sir walter scott
%
"you grabbed my hand and we fell into it,
 like a daydream - or a fever."
                                        -- godspeed you black emperor!
%
there is no place like ~
%
http://www.transnationalrepublic.org/
%
sed -e '/^[when][coders]/!d' \
    -e '/^...[discover].$/d' \
    -e '/^..[real].[code]$/!d' \
    /usr/share/dict/words
%
"welcome to american airlines, sir. here's your avocado - remember to
 keep it turned on and with you at all times. please turn your luggage
 over to the armadillos for rootling."
                      -- http://azure.humbug.org.au/~aj/armadillos.txt
%
"security here. yes, ma'am. yes. groucho glasses. yes, we're on it.
 c'mon, guys. somebody gave an aardvark a nose-cut: somebody who
 can't deal with deconstructionist humor. code blue."
                      -- http://azure.humbug.org.au/~aj/armadillos.txt
%
man muss noch chaos in sich haben
um einen tanzenden stern zu gebähren.
                                                -- friedrich nietzsche
%
die wahrheit ist selten
auf seiten der wahrscheinlichkeit.
                                                 -- heinrich v. kleist
%
linux is like a wigwam.
no gates, no windoze, and an apache inside.
%
it has been said that there are only two businesses
that refer to customers as users:
illegal drug trade and the computer industry.
%
"there are two major products that come out of berkeley: lsd and unix."
 one caused me an addiction
                                                             -- fyodor
%
"there are two major products that come out of berkeley: lsd and unix.
 we don't believe this to be a coincidence."
                                                 -- jeremy s. anderson
%
if loving linux is wrong, i don't want to be right.
%
http://www.vcnet.com/bms/
%
http://kirch.net/unix-nt/
%
"sailing is, after all, a kind of grace, a kind of magic."
                                                        -- phil berman
%
a c programmer asked whether computers have buddha's nature.
as the answer, the master did "rm -rf" on the programmer's home
directory. and then the c programmer became enlightened...
%
someday we'll find it
the rainbow connection
the lovers, the dreamers,
and me!
                                                             -- kermit
%
i wish this wish not to be granted!
                                        -- achilles (hofstadter's geb)
%
kermit: why are there so many songs about rainbows?
fozzy: that's part of what rainbows do.
%
"nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit."
                                                             -- seneca
%
when compared to windoze, unix is an operating system.
%
it may look like i'm just sitting here doing nothing.
but i'm really actively waiting
for all my problems to go away.
%
quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.
%
due to lack of interest tomorrow has been cancelled.
%
this message represents the official view of the voices in my head.
%
your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT. you feel sleepy. notice
how restful it is to watch the cursor blink. close your eyes. the
opinions stated above are yours. you cannot imagine why you ever felt
otherwise.
%
it's practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry.
%
the micro$oft hoover: finally, a product that's supposed to suck!
%
(a)bort, (r)etry, (p)retend this never happened
%
"there's someone in my head but it's not me."
                        -- pink floyd, the dark side of the moon, 1972
%
the reason that every major university
maintains a department of mathematics
is that it's cheaper than
institutionalizing all those people.
%
"in just seven days, i can make you a man!"
                                      -- the rocky horror picture show
%
tempt not a desperate man.
                                                -- william shakespeare
%
scientists will study your brain to learn
more about your distant cousin, man.
%
micro$oft dns service terminates abnormally
when it receives a response
to a dns query that was never made.
fix information: run your dns service on a different platform.
                                                            -- bugtraq
%
in africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the
ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. anthropologists
call this a form of primitive self-expression. in america they call
it golf.
%
nasa spent 2 billion dollars on the research of a ballpoint pen that
could write on everything, even upside down, under water, or at
extreme temperatures; the russians used a pencil.
         (but see: http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp)
%
obviously i was either onto something, or on something.
                                 -- larry wall on the creation of perl
%
if god had meant for us to be naked,
we would have been born that way.
%
fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
                                                        -- victor hugo
%
kill ugly radio
                                                        -- frank zappa
%
linux: because a pc is a terrible thing to waste
%
"time flies like an arrow. fruit flies like a banana."
                                                       -- groucho marx
(panda eats shoots and leaves)
%
it's as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.
%
warning: dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
%
always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
%
consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
%
have you drugged your kids today?
%
"a compliment is like a kiss through a veil."
                                                        -- victor hugo
%
"si tu veux construire un bateau, il ne faut pas réunir des hommes
pour aller chercher le bois et les outils et les préparer à se
répartir les différents travaux. Il faut plutôt leur donner l'envie,
la passion de la mer infinie."
                                           -- antoine de saint-exupéry
%
"and the sea isn't green
 and i love the queen
 and what exactly is a dream?
 and what exactly is a joke?"
                                                        -- syd barrett
%
"driving with a destination
 is like having sex to have children"
                                             -- backwater wayne miller
%
"memory is like an orgasm.
 it's a lot better
 if you don't have to fake it."
                          -- seymour cray commenting on virtual memory
 
"but virtual memory still gets the job done."
                                                                 -- gr
%
hi! i'm a .signature virus!
copy me into your ~/.signature to help me spread!
%
#define emacs eighty megabytes and constantly swapping.
%
Escape Meta Alt Control Shift
%
"it is the mark of an educated mind
 to be able to entertain a thought
 without accepting it."
                                                        -- aristoteles
%
"it would be truly surprising
 if sound were not capable of suggesting colour,
 if colours could not give the idea of the melody,
 if sound and colour were not adequate to express ideas."
                                                     -- claude debussy
%
"you raise the blade, you make the change
 you rearrange me till i'm sane.
 you lock the door, and throw away the key,
 there's someone in my head but it's not me."
                                                   -- pink floyd, 1972
%
"in any hierarchy, each individual rises
 to his own level of incompetence,
 and then remains there."
                               -- murphy (after dr. laurence j. peter)
%
"gilmour's guitar sounds good
 whether you've got a bottle of cider in your hand
 or a keyboard and a mouse."
                                                -- prof. bruce maxwell
%
"and if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
 you shout and no one seems to hear
 and if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
 i'll see you on the dark side of the moon."
                                                   -- pink floyd, 1972
%
"and no one sings me lullabies,
 and no one makes me close my eyes,
 and so i throw the windows wide,
 and call to you across the sky"
                                                   -- pink floyd, 1971
%
"friendships last when each friend thinks he has
 a slight superiority over the other."
                                                   -- honoré de balzac
%
"the only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of
 the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that
 I have always cultivated."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
heisenberg may have been here.
%
no cat has eight tails.
a cat has one tail more than no cat.
therefore, a cat has nine tails.
%
"when I was a boy I was told
 that anybody could become president.
 now i'm beginning to believe it."
                                                    -- clarence darrow
%
"even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me."
                                                       -- aristophanes
%
"a mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems."
                                                         -- paul erdös
%
"my father, a good man, told me:
'never lose your ignorance; you cannot replace it.'"
                                               -- erich maria remarque
%
"syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon."
                                            -- epigrams in programming
%
"imagine if every thursday your shoes exploded if you
 tied them the usual way. this happens to us all the time
 with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining."
                                                        -- jeff raskin
%
"god is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
                                                           -- voltaire
%
"no problem is so formidable
 that you can't just walk away from it."
                                                          -- c. schulz
%
may the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
%
"we should have a volleyballocracy.
 we elect a six-pack of presidents.
 each one serves until they screw up,
 at which point they rotate."
                                                      -- dennis miller
%
an avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
%
there's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
%
"i wish there was a knob on the tv to turn up the intelligence.
 there's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't seem to work."
                                                          -- gallagher
%
click the start menu and select 'shut down.'
%
"in the stage of grand illusion
 you walked into my life
 out of my dreams."
                                                        -- david bowie
%
echo '[dO%O+38%O+PO/d0<0]Fi22os0CC4BA64E418CE7l0xAP' | dc
%
it said "needs windoze 98 or better," so i installed linux.
%
oxymoron: micro$oft works
%
"it usually takes more than three weeks
 to prepare a good impromptu speech.
                                                         -- mark twain
%
"if beethoven's seventh symphony
 is not by some means abridged,
 it will soon fall into disuse."
                             -- philip hale, boston music critic, 1837
%
don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
%
never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
%
"mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images."
                                                       -- jean cocteau
%
all of you that believe in telekinetics, raise my hand!
%
"i believe that the moment is near when by a procedure
 of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible
 to systematise confusion and contribute to
 the total discrediting of the world of reality."
                                                      -- salvador dali
%
i'd rather be riding a high speed tractor
with a beer on my lap,
and a six pack of girls next to me.
%
"women who want to be equal to men lack ambition."
                                                      -- timothy leary
%
"no, 'eureka' is greek for 'this bath is too hot.'"
                                                            -- dr. who
%
"the human brain is like an enormous fish --
 it is flat and slimy
 and has gills through which it can see."
                                                       -- monty python
%
the only real advantage to punk music is
that nobody can whistle it.
%
"this week dragged past me so slowly;
 the days fell on their knees..."
                                                        -- david bowie
%
"when faced with a new problem, the wise algorithmist
 will first attempt to classify it as np-complete.
 this will avoid many tears and tantrums as
 algorithm after algorithm fails."
                                                          -- g. niruta
%
i'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
%
humpty was pushed.
%
a gourmet concerned about calories
is like a punter eyeing the clock.
%
micro$oft is to operating systems & security
what mcdonalds is to gourmet cuisine.
%
"in the country of the blind,
 the one-eyed man is not king.
 he is taken to be a hallucinating lunatic."
                                                     -marshall mcluhan
%
"in contrast to the what-you-see-is-what-you-get philosophy,
 unix is the you-asked-for-it,-you-got-it operating system."
                                                           --scott lee
%
la lune, c'est comme les canards
il faut aimer caresser les chats
pour avoir envie d'y aller.
%
"micro$oft productivity software"
                              - see reductio ad absurdum, conclusions.
%
no micro$oft components were used
in the creation or posting of this email.
therefore, it is 100% virus free
and does not use html by default (yuck!).
%
"information superhighway"
 is just an anagram for
"i'm on a huge wispy rhino fart".
%
micro$oft windoze: proof that p. t. barnum was correct.
%
chaos reigns within.
reflect, repent, reboot.
order shall return.
%
wind catches lily,
scattering petals to the ground.
segmentation fault.
%
no keyboard present.
press f1 to continue.
zen engineering.
%
windoze nt crashed.
i am the blue screen of death.
no one hears your screams.
%
above all, we should not wish to divest
our existence of its rich ambiguity.
                                                 --friedrich nietzsche
%
-----BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK-----
Version: 3.12
GCS/IT d- s: a-- C++(++++) UL+++(++++) P+ L++++ E--- W- N+ o-- K !w O-
M- V PS+(+++) PE(--) Y+ PGP++ t- 5 !X R- !tv b+(++) DI--(+) D++(+++)
G+ e>++++ h* r+>++ y+++++>+(++)
------END GEEK CODE BLOCK------
%
                                                      .   `___
(o-    (o-    (o-    (o-   (o-    (o-    (o-           /\/| | |
//\    //\    //\    //\   //\    //\    //\      `  /\/\/l-+-|
v_/_   v_/_   v_/_   v_/_  v_/_   v_/_   v_/_    .`  /\/\/|_|_|
%
microsoft: for when quality, reliability, and security
           just aren't that important!
%
perl -e 'print $i=pack(c5,(41*2),sqrt(7056),(unpack(c,H)-2),oct(115),10);'
%
windoze 98: <n.> useless extension to a minor patch release for 32-bit
  extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit
  operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written
  by a 2-bit company that can't stand for 1 bit of competition.
%
"... doch warum sollte nicht jeder einzelne
 aus seinem leben ein kunstwerk machen koennen?"
                                                    -- michel foucault
%
"there are more things in heaven and earth, horatio,
 than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
                                                             -- hamlet
%
because light travels faster than sound,
some people appear to be intelligent,
until you hear them speak.
%
"if I can't dance, i don't want to be part of your revolution."
                                                        - emma goldman
%
"for art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity or perception to
 exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable:
 intoxication."
                                                -- friedrich nietzsche
%
redistribution of this email via the
microsoft network is prohibited.
%
"with sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. however, this is not
 necessarily a good idea. it is hard to be sure where they are going
 to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly
 overhead."
                                                           -- rfc 1925
%
echo Prpv a\'rfg cnf har cvcr | tr Pacfghnrvp Cnpstuaeic
%
"common sense is the collection
 of prejudices acquired by age eighteen"
                                                    -- albert einstein
%
the unix philosophy basically involves
giving you enough rope to hang yourself.
and then some more, just to be sure.
%
the heineken uncertainty principle:
  you can never be sure how many
  beers you had last night.
%
"in a country where the sole employer is the state, opposition means
 death by slow starvation. the old principle: who does not work shall
 not eat, has been replaced by a new one: who does not obey shall not
 eat."
                                                 -- leon trotsky, 1937
%
if god is perfect, why did he create discontinuous functions?
%
"a woman is like your shadow;
 follow her, she flies;
 fly from her, she follows."
                                    -- sébastien-roch-nicolas chamfort
%
philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
%
quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
%
"prisons are built with stones of law,
 brothels with bricks of religion."
                                                      -- william blake
%
people with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
%
"good advice is something a man gives
 when he is too old to set a bad example.
                                                  -- la rouchefoucauld
%
"love is a grave mental disease."
                                                             -- platon
%
"marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly."
                                                           -- voltaire
%
"this sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't."
                                                 -- douglas hofstadter
%
"once ... in the wilds of afghanistan, i lost my corkscrew, and we
 were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days."
                                -- w. c. fields, "my little chickadee"
%
the only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman
is that the car salesman knows he's lying.
%
gentoo: the performance placebo.
%
apt-get source --compile gentoo
%
military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
                                                       -- groucho marx
%
it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool
than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
%
"i like young girls. their stories are shorter."
                                                        -- tom mcguane
%
"let me take you down, 'cause i'm going to strawberry fields.
 nothing is real and nothing to get hungabout.
 strawberry fields forever."
                                                        -- the beatles
%
"picture yourself in a boat on a river
 with tangerine trees and marmelade skies..."
                                                        -- the beatles
%
"everyone smiles as you drift past the flower
 that grows so incredibly high."
                                                        -- the beatles
%
"it always takes longer than you expect, even when
 you take into account hofstadter's law."
                                                 -- douglas hofstadter
%
an egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets
eaten once. it also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the
only person who will sit on its face is its mother.
%
be careful of reading health books -- you might die of a misprint.
                                                         -- mark twain
%
half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
but half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. you see?
but can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
when half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
                                                       -- monty python 
%
"if you stew apples like cranberries,
 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does."
                                                       -- groucho marx
%
"in diving to the bottom of pleasure
 we bring up more gravel than pearls."
                                                   -- honoré de balzac
%
"it is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason
 that it is more difficult to be witty every day
 than to say pretty things from time to time."
                                                   -- honoré de balzac
%
"when women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing,
 not even our virtues."
                                                   -- honoré de balzac
%
"i think, therefore i'm single"
                                                      -- lizz winstead
%
"a woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking
 his retreat."
                                                        -- oscar wilde
%
"the greatest trick the devil ever pulled
 was convincing the world he didn't exist."
                                   -- verbal kint (the usual suspects)
%
"the problem with america is stupidity. i'm not saying there should
 be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take
 the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve
 itself?"
                                                        -- seen on irc
%
"work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
 play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do."
                                                         -- mark twain
%
"those are my principles, and if you don't like them...
 well, I have others."
                                                       -- groucho marx
%
murphy's law is recursive.
washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
%
"the faster i go, the behinder i get."
                                                    -- lewis carroll
%
"the pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple."
                                                      -- oscar wilde
%
"first get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure."
                                                       -- mark twain
%
"i don't think so," said rene descartes. just then, he vanished.
%
"a mac is like a prostitute. sure they look good,
 but your wallet will feel a lot lighter after getting one."
                                                -- psychonate on irc
%
god is dead.
    -- nietzsche
nietzsche is dead.
    -- god
nietzsche is god.
    -- dead
%
"you don't sew with a fork, so i see no reason
 to eat with knitting needles."
                               -- miss piggy, on eating chinese food
%
"they redundantly repeated themselves over and over,
 incessantly without end and ad infinitum"
                                                             -- ibid
%
"i always had a repulsive need to be something more than human."
                                                      -- david bowie
%
"verbing weirds language."
                                                           -- calvin
%
russian roulette on the shell: ((RANDOM % 6)) || rm -rf ~
%
"everyone has a little secret he keeps,
 i like the fires when the city sleeps."
                                                  -- mc 900 ft jesus
%
"the perfect gun is an idealist without any ideal."
                                                  -- mc 900 ft jesus
%
anyone who says sunshine brings happiness
has never danced in the rain.
%
"truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because
 fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; truth isnt."
                                                       -- mark twain
%
"he gave me his card
 he said, 'call me if they die'
 i shook his hand and said goodbye
 ran out to the street
 when a bowling ball came down the road
 and knocked me off my feet"
                                                        -- bob dylan
%
"wer in einem gewissen alter nicht merkt, daß er hauptsächlich von
 idioten umgeben ist, merkt das aus einem gewissen grund nicht."
                                                        -- kurt götz
%
"try to remove the color-problem by
 restarting your computer several times."
                         -- microsoft internet explorer's readme.txt
%
"on the other hand, with the advent of msvc 5, i can claim i use
 emacs because it's smaller and more efficient." :-)"
                                                    -- darin johnson
%
"william blake, you're a dead man!"
                                                           -- nobody
%
"'this must be a thursday,' said arthur to himself, sinking low over
 his beer.  'i never could get the hang of thursdays.'"
                                 -- hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy
%
"arthur slapped his arms about himself to try and get his
 circulation a little more enthusiastic about its job."
                                 -- hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy
%
"if there's anything more important than my ego,
 i want it caught and shot now."
                                                -- zaphod beeblebrox
%
"'the answer to the great question...'
 'of life, the universe and everything...' said deep thought.
 'is...' said deep thought, and paused.
 'is...'
 'forty-two,' said deep thought, with infinite majesty and calm."
                                 -- hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy
%
"there was silence for a moment, and then out of the scrambled mess
 of arthur's brain crawled some words."
                                 -- hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy
%
"the word yellow wandered through his mind in search of something to
 connect with."
                                 -- hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy
%
"the ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."
                                 -- hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy
%
"if english was good enough for jesus christ,
 it's good enough for us."
                               -- miriam ferguson, governor of texas
%
"to every complex problem, there is a solution
 which is short, simple, and wrong."
                                                          -- mencken
%
"perhaps debian is concerned more about technical excellence rather
 than ease of use by breaking software. in the former we may excel.
 in the latter we have to concede the field to microsoft. guess
 where i want to go today?"
                                                 -- manoj srivastava
%
"doesn't he know who i think i am?"
                                                     -- phil collins
%
"courage is not the absence of fear, but the decision
 that something else is more important than fear."
                                                  -- ambrose redmoon
%
"cs class at 8:30am. ugly. if you can wake up early enough to get
 good grades here, you need to develop hacker habits..."
                                     -- jeff bailey on #debian-devel
%
"men who say it cannot be done should not interrupt men doing it."
                                              -- old chinese proverb
%
"never attribute to malice what can be
 adequately explained by incompetence." 
                                                       -- mark twain
%
"i feel sorry for people who don't drink. when they wake up in the
 morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
                                                    -- frank sinatra
%
now I lay me back to sleep.
the speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
if he should stop before I wake,
give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
%
* Overfiend came out of the womb complaining.
                                                    -- #debian-devel
%
there are two groups of people in the world: those who believe that
the world can be divided into two groups of people, and those who
don't.
%
"when a gentoo admin tells me that the KISS principle is good for
 'busy sysadmins', and that it's not an evolutionary step backwards,
 i wonder whether their tape is already running backwards."
%
"arrogance on the part of the meritorious is even more
 offensive to us than the arrogance of those without merit:
 for merit itself is offensive."
                                              -- friedrich nietzsche
%
never trust an operating system
for which you do not have the source.
                                                   -- source unknown
%
"i am a deeply superficial person."
                                                      -- andy warhol
%
"half a bee, philosophically,
 must ipso facto half not be."
                                                     -- monty python
%
it is better to have loved a short man
than never to have loved a tall.
%
<n3tg0d> has /usr/bin/emacs been put into /etc/shells yet? :P
%
quick!! act as if nothing has happened!
%
"people don't want a president to say 'never'.
 using violence is never the first choice of the president".
                                                   -- george w. bush
%
"i always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for
 their good intellects. man cannot be too careful in his choice of
 enemies."
                                                      -- oscar wilde
%
micro$oft windows psychic edition:
we will tell you where you are going tomorrow.
%
"the search for the perfect martini is a fraud. the perfect martini
 is a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent
 trappings of civilization."
                                                            -- t. k.
%
if you see an onion ring -- answer it!
%
"i wish i hadn't slept all day, it's really lowered my productivity"
                                                   -- robert mcqueen
%
life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
%
"we americans, we're a simple people... 
 but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities."
                             -- robin williams, good morning vietnam
%
a bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
%
"here i was all convinced that if i sleep all day, bug counts go
 down, and if I work all day, they go up, so much for that theory."
                                                   -- lars wirzenius
%
"wenn elephanten tanzen leidet das gras."
                                                 -- die vogelpredigt
%
sex an und für sich ist reine selbstbefriedigung.
%
"the surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in
 higher esteem those who think alike than those who think
 differently."
                                              -- friedrich nietzsche
%
"writing a book is like washing an elephant: there no good place to
 begin or end, and it's hard to keep track of what you've already
 covered."
                                                        -- anonymous
%
"if builders built buildings the way
 programmers wrote programs,
 then the first woodpecker that came along
 would destroy civilization."
                                                  -- gerald weinberg
%
"the only difference between shakespeare and you
 was the size of his idiom list -- not the size of his vocabulary."
                                                      -- alan perlis
%
"fools ignore complexity. pragmatics suffer it.
 some can avoid it. geniuses remove it."
                                                      -- alan perlis
%
save the plankton - eat a whale.
%
"you don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason
 to eat with knitting needles."
                               -- miss piggy, on eating chinese food
%
"the less you know about computers the more you want micro$oft!"
                                -- micro$oft ad campaign, circa 1996
(proof that micro$oft's advertising _isn't_ dishonest!)
%
"a woman does not want the truth; what is truth to women? from the
 beginning, nothing has been more alien, repugnant, and hostile to
 woman than the truth - her great art is the lie, her highest
 concern is mere appearance and beauty."
                                              -- friedrich nietzsche
%
"if java had true garbage collection,
 most programs would delete themselves upon execution."
                                                    -- robert sewell
%
"there was no difference between the behavior of a god
 and the operations of pure chance..."
                              -- thomas pynchon, "gravity's rainbow"
%
windows v.i.s.t.a.: viruses, infections, spyware, trojans and adware
%
"es ist gut, eine sache doppelt auszudrücken und ihr einen
 rechten und linken fuß zu geben. auf einem bein kann die wahrheit
 zwar stehen; mit zweien aber wird sie gehen und herumkommen."
                                                -- friedrich nietzsche
%
"vista is evidentally latvian for "hen", and "perating system", that
 is, OS without the o, means "system for making eggs."  so vista is at
 least useful come breakfast time?"
                                                      -- kit la touche
%
a common mistake that people make
when trying to design something completely foolproof
was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
                                 -- douglas adams, "mostly harmless"
%
... the ravenous bugblatter beast of traal (a mind-bogglingly stupid
animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you --
daft as a bush, but very very ravenous);
            -- douglas adams, "the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy"
%
a Hooloovoo is a superintelligent shade of the color blue.
            -- douglas adams, "the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy"
%
"'oh, that was easy,' says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove
 that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra
 crossing."
            -- douglas adams, "the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy"
%
"funny how just when you think life can't possibly get any worse
 it suddenly does."
                                                           -- marvin
%
... with a plastic cup filled with a liquid that was almost,
but not quite, entirely unlike tea.
            -- douglas adams, "the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy"
%
only by counting could humans demonstrate
their independence of computers.
            -- douglas adams, "the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy"
%
the images rushed around his mind and tried
to find somewhere to settle down and make sense.
            -- douglas adams, "the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy"
%
"there are lots of reasons not to use linux.
 there just aren't any good ones."
                                         --steven j. vaughan-nichols
%
"in the figure of the president, george w. bush, the incompetence,
 stupidity, and sheer inhumanity that characterize so much of
 america's money-mad corporate elite find their quintessentially
 repulsive expression."
                                 -- journalist, aftermath of katrina
%
"i started taking an online a.d.d. test, linked from
 someone's blog. i never finished it; i got distracted, and clicked
 on random other shiny things"
                                                   -- andres salomon
%
"... and so he killed Miguel in a rit of fealous jage."
                                               -- inspector clouseau
%
"it takes more keystrokes to enter a windows license key
 than it takes to do a complete debian desktop install!"
                                                        -- joey hess
%
"writing a book about debian
 is like hitting a moving target
 with a champagne bottle cork."
                                                             -- arky
%
"ich bin ein berliner!" (i am a jelly donut)
                                          -- john fitzgerald kennedy
%
"she was rather too intelligent and competent-looking to be
 considered entirely beautiful, but all the more attractive because
 of it."
                           -- george spencer-brown, "a lion's teeth"
%
minchinhampton (n.): the expression on a man's face when he has just
zipped up his trousers without due care and attention.
                               -- douglas adams, the meaning of liff
%
all software projects are done by iterative prototyping.
some companies call their prototypes "releases", that's all.
%
"the stripes on the highway began to unreel beneath her in a dizzying
 blur as if all those grains of sand had lost their bearings and were
 falling all over each other just trying to get out of the way to make
 room for the next moment, or instant, or tick of the clock"
-- mc 900 ft jesus (http://www.theendoftheworld.org/900/spider1.shtml)
%
"for her, the dashed lines on the freeway were like grains of sand
 slipping, through an hour glass, ticking away the seconds, the
 minutes, and the hours of her life. if she got home a few minutes
 early on any given afternoon, it gave her a thrill as if she had
 stolen a little something back from death."
-- mc 900 ft jesus (http://www.theendoftheworld.org/900/spider1.shtml)
%
"health? what good is your health when you're otherwise an idiot?"
                                                -- theodor w. adorno
%
"brevity is the soul of wit."
                                                -- polonius (hamlet)
"brevity is ... wit."
                                                     -- the simpsons
%
"the scientific paper in its orthodox form does embody a totally
 mistaken conception, even a travesty, of the nature of scientific
 thought."
                                                -- sir peter medawar
%
review of a chemistry paper:
  "paper should be greatly reduced or completely oxidized."
                                                    -- frank vastola
%
"the college students who are using lsd and marijuana today do not
 comprise a criminal class. they are not drug addicts seeking to
 escape. they're your best educated, your most creative, and your
 most couragious, young people. and like it or not, they might build
 you a new civilisation."               -- porcupine tree, voyage 34
%
"a human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion,
 butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet,
 balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take
 orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze
 a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal,
 fight efficiently, die gallantly. specialization is for insects."
                                                  -- robert heinlein
%
ubuntu is an ancient african word meaning "i can't install debian."
                                                          -- unknown
%
a farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
%
"by accepting this brick through your window, you accept it as is
 and agree to my disclaimer of all warranties, express or implied,
 as well as disclaimers of all liability, direct, indirect,
 consequential or incidental, that may arise from the installation
 of this brick into your building."                 -- seen on irc
%
"academia is really just a way to help those with high volumes of
 nothing to say to social status."
                             -- myself on #debian-devel, 01 Feb 2007
%
"the most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds
 new discoveries, is not 'eureka!' but 'that's funny...'"
                                                     -- isaac asimov
%
the united nations did a poll about food. the only question they asked
was: "could you please give your honest opinion about a solution for
the shortage of food in the rest of the world?" this poll failed
because:
  - in africa they didn't know what food was....
  - in eastern-europe they didn't know what honest was....
  - in western-europe they didn't know what shortage was...
  - in china they didn't know what opinion was...
  - in the middle-east they didn't know what solution was...
  - in south-america they didn't know what please was...
  - and in the usa they didn't know what "the rest of the world" was...
%
"mein gott, selbst ein huhn kann debian installieren, wenn du genug
 koerner auf die enter-taste legst."
                       -- thomas koehler in de.alt.sysadmin.recovery
%
"i've been listening to my gut since i was 14 years old, and frankly
 speaking, i've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for
 brains."
                      -- rob gordon (john cusack in "high fidelity")
%
"never eat more than you can lift."
                                                       -- miss piggy
%
"...the prevailing catholic odor - incense, wax, centuries of mild
 bleating from the lips of the flock."
                                -- thomas pynchon, gravity's rainbow
%
"we did rate the microsoft security researcher as
 less-bad than the people who prepare the carcasses for dissection in
 biology laboratories."
             -- michael moyer, executive editor of _popular science_
%
"whale feces or working at microsoft? i would probably be the whale
 feces researcher. salt air and whale flatulence; what
 could go wrong?"
             -- michael moyer, executive editor of _popular science_
%
"without a god, life is only a matter of opinion."
                                                    -- douglas adams
%
"the association on this web site and in peter chappell
 publications, articles and books, made between remedy and diseases
 is used for clarity, but is not the functional reality and does not
 imply these resonances treat any disease. they merely vitalise and
 inform the self healing system."
                                                   -- peter chappell
%
i stopped fighting my inner demons.. we're all on the same side now.
%
< Ganneff> more love
< Ganneff> latex good!
                                                    -- #debian-devel
%
"give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. teach a man to
 fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. talk to a hungry man about fish,
 and you're a consultant."
                                                      -- scott adams
%
"perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but
 when there is nothing left to take away."
                                         -- antoine de saint-exupéry
%
uʍop ǝpısdn sı ɹoʇıuoɯ ɹnoʎ
%
"toleranz heißt, die fehler der anderen entschuldigen.
 takt heißt, sie nicht bemerken."
                                                -- arthur schnitzler
%
"i'm hot, and when i'm not, i'm cold as ice"
                                           -- ac/dc, "problem child"
%
spooning leads to forking
                             -- seen on a t-shirt by david & goliath